Beyond Friends - Should You Be Your Child’s Friend?
Being a parent is one of the most important roles you can have in your life. Your role as a parent is not always easy, in fact it can be complex and difficult: providing for your children, guiding them, protecting them, teaching them, and supporting them are just a few of your responsibilities. As parents we are responsible for our children’s development, a monumental responsibility at first thought, and second. However, this responsibility comes with great reward, because, as a parent, you are shaping the face of the future; you are directly influencing what kind of people your children will become and how they will influence their surroundings. Our children are the ones who will be occupying the important and influential positions of the future; the future is literally made by them. And, our children’s ability to shoulder the burden of the tomorrow, rests on us, for the type of people they shape up to be depends on us. The significance of parents in their child’s development, values, and attitude cannot be overstated. As a parent, you are the main, and maybe even only, role model and guide of your child. You train your children to be leaders of their own lives, to be people of action that help themselves and their surroundings. Given the importance of parents in children’s life and development, it begs an important question: How should parents define their relationship with their children?
There are many who consider themselves as their children’s friends. And, though they may not actually define it as such, they definitely act this role out and behave according to its rules. We often hear many parents who say they have a goal to be their children’s friends. This is not with bad intentions, quite the opposite in fact, as they believe in the benefits of their child liking them and therefore perhaps being more inclined to listen. However, the parent may also be searching (perhaps unconsciously) for validation from their child in this context of a friendship. As though their success as parents is measured by how much their children like them as friends. Now, it is important to note that “friend” can be defined in many different ways. But for our discussion, we are going to define “friend” as someone who you know and care about and you may inspire, but are not really ever going to develop and mentor in any significant way.
When the relationship between you as parents and your children is defined solely as a friendship, it eliminates the possibility of mentorship, since friends are equal. But friends do not bear the burden of responsibility for providing food and shelter for each other, or an environment where mistakes can occur, but that their consequences and gravity are mitigated. Parents who have adopted this friendship mindset may often avoid difficult conversations or topics, may spend little time mentoring their children, and may leave it up to school to make sure their children get the development they need. They will likely not stand up to their children and teach them their values, but instead adopt a passive approach that solely relies on the child's ability to learn on his own. This type of learning is limited, however, and can often lead to more pain than gain, more trauma, and even life-long consequences.
As a parent, modelling leadership involves taking action; it requires a bigger picture understanding of what is happening with all family members and the responsibility to guide yourself and your children in a direction that will bring the most positive development and energy to everyone involved. And, while children should be involved in the decision making process and contribute their ideas, you as the parent have the final say. This, now, is Beyond Friends.
As a parent it is imperative that you be involved in your child's life, and guide, teach, and mentor. This, though, may often require you to put boundaries and give directions. However, this cannot be done, and likely will not be done, unless we redefine the relationship with our children. Beyond being a friend of our child, is being a mentor and a role model: leading by example, guiding, being involved in your child’s life, and having conversations about values and attitude. It is not the easy way, or the path of least resistance, but it is an active and worthy way with great outcomes. It allows you, as parents, to be indirectly involved in the shaping of a better tomorrow. Being just a friend has consequences. It can lead to more hurt and difficulties for your children, a weaker and less meaningful relationship between you and your child, and the risk of chance, for chance and external societal and peer pressures will be the guide and teacher of your child, not you.
How do you define the relationship between you and your children?
What do you believe is the best environment for children’s development and learning?
We’d love to hear your thoughts and experiences.